‘Gwyn ap Nudd, helper of hosts, Armies fall before the hooves of your horse As swiftly as cut reeds to the ground.’ ~ ‘The Conversation of Gwyn ap Nudd and Gwyddno Garanhir’
So far it’s been a grim month. Grey skies. Heavy rain. Storms.
The scythe of the Reaper has been swinging, chopping, cutting. The cut reeds have been falling swiftly. The huge round hooves of His horse, of the horses of Annwn have been trampling them into the rain-soaked ground.
Sister Patience, chop, cut, gone. The Monastery of Annwn, chop, cut, gone. My dream of living the rest of my life as a nun of Annwn, chop, cut, gone.
It’s happened so suddenly. Yesterday I spent a moment, like waking in the morning after a night I’d self-harmed, in shock, thinking what have I done?
Yet this was not the work of my blade but the Reaper’s blade…
Gwyn was there to reassure me, His hand on my shoulder (slightly bony) letting me know that it was for the best, that dying reeds have got to fall.
I could see the monastery was dying but Sister Patience felt alive to me.
“Sometimes you don’t know you’re dying until it’s too late.”
I trust His wisdom in taking a part of me – a sacrifice to save the whole.
What now? I stare down at crushed reeds in the muddy churned-up ground, attempting to scry a message from the mess of my life – the mash of criss-crossed stalks and the rain-filled half moons of the hoofprints spilling into pools.
There’s always been an obvious road that I’ve never managed to take. Write that much-needed book on Brythonic polytheism or Brythonic shamanism. Write some how-tos on how to meet the Brythonic Gods. It’s always been blocked. That dark hooded figure with His scythe in the way.
“That is not your work,” he slides a whetstone along the curved blade. “I want you to write the words that cut to the truth, that hurt, that have edge.”
I see I’ll always be an edge person. Not salesy enough to sell. Not humble or practial enough to crawl away from the blogosphere and get a proper job. Suburban in the sense of lower down rather than rows of identical houses with cut lawns (although I live in one). Far too English to be properly Brythonic.
I’ll never be able to say, “Look at my bright shiny life you can have this too!”
Yet, in giving voice to uncomfortable edges, to exploring the messier, lesser-spoken side of relationship with Gods and spirits I feel I have a place as a writer and guide.
A place of cut and trampled reeds, muddy waters, dark hooves, forever shadowed by the Reaper’s hooded form and His skeletal touch.
Photograph from when I was cutting reeds during a fen cut (albeit with a brushcutter rather than a scythe) when I worked for the Lancashire Wildlife Trust on the Wigan Flashes.
This insight came to me after I had been considering taking my monastic vows for the third time this year whilst looking ahead to lifelong vows next year. If I am to pledge to being a nun of Annwn for life what will this life look like?
When I founded the Monastery of Annwn at first I dreamt it might become a physical reality. I drew up an ambitious plan with a central temple, underground shrines, healing huts, an arts centre, circles of huts for the monastic devotees, a garden, compost loos, a burial ground…*. Shortly afterwards I realised living in, let alone running, such a large and busy place would be more Uffern ar y Ddaer ‘Hell on Earth’ than abiding close to Annwn for me.
Still, as I continued to follow as monastic-a-path as I could while living with my parents in suburban Penwortham, I spent a lot of time dreaming of alternatives for a physical monastery. What about a large house with land? What about beginning with a small house with 2 – 3 monastics sharing the space?
As my practice of being present and aware for Gwyn has progressed and I’ve got a lot better at watching and knowing myself as I undertake my daily activities I’ve come to realise that although I enjoy spending a limited amount of time holding sacred space for others I really appreciate having my morning and evening prayer and meditation times solely with my Gods and spirits.
Also, as I’m autistic and thrive on order and routine, in spite of my meditation practices helping me become more responsive and less reactive, I still get incredibly irritable and resentful if others make a mess or interrupt me. This is with my parents, who are relatively quiet and orderly. I dread to think of what I might be like with others with different personalities. I wouldn’t be prepared to change my diet or routine and thus couldn’t expect others to fit with mine. I’m also aware that my main trigger for autistic burnout and meltdowns is organising other people to do things and even worse doing things by committee.
So, finally, I have come to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to run or even be in a monastery. And this is fine because a few months ago I discovered the Carmelite model for lay monasticism and have since then been exploring how this suits me. Perfectly it turns out. I have a couple of hours in the morning and evening for prayer and meditation and the rest of my day is dedicated to shamanic work, studying, writing, housework, gardening and occasional conservation volunteering. I’m still ‘allowed’ to go to the gym.
I recently put forward the model of the monastery functioning as a support structure enabling us to serve our Gods as lay monastics bringing inspiration and wisdom from Annwn to the world, to the other members. Those who replied agreed it fits with them as most have family and work commitments.
Putting aside my hopes and fears around founding a physical monastery has allowed me to fully come home to my life as a lay nun in present-day Penwortham. It allows me to be happier and more present for Gwyn. And, most importantly, it pleases Gwyn too, because the more present I am in the world, the better I am at presencing Him and being of service to Him and my communities.
And my recently planted sanctuary rose bush has bloomed which I take to be a good sign.
In September during our Monastery of Annwn celebration of Gwyn’s Feast I received a missive in the meditation wherein we joined Gwyn feasting in His hall. One of His hounds approached me with a scroll in his mouth. I unrolled it and read the words ‘The Sanctuary of Sister of Patience’. I was then instructed to step up to Gwyn’s cauldron, dip a pen in it, then sign the scroll in blue and red with ‘the Blood of the Dead and the Waters of the Deep.’
Thus I signed a contract to create the Sanctuary of Sister Patience. So here it is. Founded on the Cell of Sister Patience. A stepping stone towards building the Monastery of Annwn.
Right now it is the sacred spaces I keep for my Gods at home and here online. It also the sanctuary I carry within me when I facilitate meditations and rituals for the monastery and one-to-one and group shamanic sessions.
Long term I would like to find a physical place to set up a sanctuary where people can come to pray, meditate and journey with a healing room for shamanic healings.
As a final note I would like to acknowledge the inspiration of Danica Swanson at the Black Stone Sanctuary who opened the sacred doorway to polytheistic monasticism to me.
When I founded the Monastery of Annwn just over two years ago I feared it would always be a rule of one. To my utter surprise for such a niche interest (Brythonic Polytheistic Monasticism centring on the Annuvian Gods) the monastery is thriving with a dozen members, most of whom participate regularly in group rituals, meditations and check-ins, or on our online forum. Several of us are living by vows and the Rule of the Heart.
Only a few months ago I thought it would be impossible to support myself as a nun of Annwn but I have received glimmers of hope with my soul guidance sessions off to a good start and my Patreon membership growing a little.
This month my spiritual mentor suggested instead of trying to logically plan my next steps ahead for the future we should open a space for dreaming. She challenged me to dream my biggest dream and set it down without thinking about the ‘real world’ limitations that might prevent it happening.
Immediately I knew this was to make the Monastery of Annwn a physical reality. I’d already had lots of flashes of inspiration so I set them down then journeyed to the Spirit of the Monastery to ask for guidance for the future.
Below is my dream Monastery of Annwn at this point in time. I see it as a centre for worship of the Gods and Goddesses of Annwn, a sanctuary for healing and retreat, and a place for learning about the Brythonic tradition from a polytheistic perspective. It combines above ground, underground, indoor and outdoor spaces.
My hope is that it would sustain itself by growing its own food and making money from healings, retreats, running workshops and courses on Brythonic myths and Deities and polytheistic monasticism and sales of inspired works from monastic devotees.
(1) The Monastery of Annwn – The central temple space containing shrines to the Gods and Goddesses of Annwn and space for worship and ecstatic dance. (2) The Chamber of the Heart – At its centre is the Altar of the Heart where monastic devotees can venerate the Heart of Annwn. There will always be a monastic devotee keeping the beat of the heart day and night. (3) Underground Caves – For communion a) Orddu’s Cave b) Cave of the Spirits of Annwn c) Cave of Bardic Incubation d) Cave of the Unknown. (4) Gwyn’s Tomb – This will be where Gwyn symbolically lies in His tomb during the summer and monastic devotees will be able to visit and spend time in silence with Him. In winter the coffin will be removed and this will be a space of initiation involving death and rebirth prior to taking vows. (5) The Hearth of Annwn – A space where monastic devotees gather. (6) Huts of the Monastic Devotees – There are three circles. The first two circles are hut for monastics who have made lifelong vows. On top of each hut is a representation of one of their tutelary spirits. The third circle is for novices and for those who are in the process of discernment.* (7) Crazy Owl’s Library – A library containing books on Brythonic lore and monastic and mystery traditons along with mythology from around the world. (8) Gwyn’s Feasting Hall – Here meals are served. (9) Ceridwen’s Kitchen – Here nutritious food made with local ingredients is cooked. (10) Gwyn’s Guest House – A bunkhouse for guests. (11) Awen Arts – An arts centre with an art gallery and performance space for poetry, singing and music and spaces for crafts and crafting. It will also contain a shop selling inspired works by monastic devotees. (12) The Training Hall of Gwyn and Gwythyr – A hall for training in martial arts and other kinds of movement including dance and yoga. (13) Giant’s Gym – For strength training and rehabilitation. (14) The Healing Fountains of Anrhuna – A complex of healing waters including fountains, spas and pools and a shower house and baths for daily use. (15) Healing Huts – Huts for shamanic healing and various therapies. (16) The Dream Temple of Nodens – A temple for Nodens with underground dream incubation chambers and healing hounds. (17) Creiddylad’s Garden – Here vegetables, salad, herbs and fruit are grown. (18) Gwyn’s Wildwood – A woodland space for meditation, communion and celebration. (19) The Blessed One’s Burial Ground – A natural burial ground for monastic devotees whose graves will be marked with small cairns. Potentially this might be expanded to provide space for others who support our aims. (20) Ceridwen’s Compost Toilets – Four sets spaced around the monastery. (21) Ceridwen’s Compost Heap – For recycling all waste from the garden and feasting hall.
Potentially, off scene, there will be ‘herds of Annwn’ – pigs and cattle for meat and milk and horses for horse riding and equine therapy.
*
Daily Routine
Communal worship will take place in the monastery mornings and evenings. Rather than breaking up the day with regular communal prayers like the Benedictines** prayer will be integrated into daily activities. Each will open with prayers of praise and petition and end with prayers of thanksgiving. For example, prayers to Creiddylad for gardening, prayers to Gwyn and Gwythyr for martial arts, prayers to Anrhuna for healing work. Meals will be preceded by prayers of thanksgiving to the spirits of the land.
Additional rituals will take place for Holy Days and on the dark, new and full moons.
Week Days
5am Communal worship in the monastery – morning prayers and songs for Gwyn ap Nudd and His family, the Spirit of the Monastery, the spirits of place and ancestors.
5.30am Communal silence in the monastery (the only thing that will be heard is the beat of the Heart of Annwn).
6am Breakfast.
6.30am Communal practice in the monastery – Readings from Brythonic texts followed by meditation and contemplation or a shamanic journey.
7.30am Study in small groups in the library – Brythonic texts and Lectio Divina.
8.30am Exercise – Run, walk, strength training, martial arts, gentle movement (ie. yoga or chair yoga).
9.30am Shower and snack.
10am Study and practice in small groups – Brythonic lore, meditation, journeywork, spiritwork, divination, plant and tree spirit medicine, shamanic healing.
12 noon – Lunch.
12.30pm Devotional creativity or healing work.
2.30pm Manual labour – cleaning, laundry, groundskeeping, gardening.
5pm Baths.
5.30pm Tea.
6pm Free time for private prayer and study and group discussions.
8pm Communal worship in the monastery – evening prayers and songs for Gwyn ap Nudd and His family, the Spirit of the Monastery, the spirits of place and ancestors.
8.30pm Retire for evening prayers to Nodens as God of Dreams.
9pm Bed.
Saturday
5am Communal worship in the monastery – morning prayers and songs for Gwyn ap Nudd and His family, the Spirit of the Monastery, the spirits of place and ancestors.
5.30am Communal silence in the monastery (the only thing that will be heard is the beat of the Heart of Annwn).
6am Breakfast.
6.30am Communal practice in the monastery – Readings from Brythonic texts followed by longer meditation and contemplation or shamanic journey.
9am – Snack.
9.30am – Ecstatic dance.
11.30am – Shower.
12 noon – Lunch.
12.30 – Free time in which some individuals and groups may choose to spend time in the woods or gardens or go for a longer walk in the local area.
5pm Baths.
5.30pm Tea.
6pm Free time for private prayer and study and group discussions.
8pm Communal worship in the monastery – evening prayers and songs for Gwyn ap Nudd and His family, the Spirit of the Monastery, the spirits of place and ancestors.
8.30pm Retire for evening prayers to Nodens as God of Dreams.
9pm Bed.
Sunday
5am Communal worship in the monastery – morning prayers and songs for Gwyn ap Nudd and His family, the Spirit of the Monastery, the spirits of place and ancestors.
5.30am Communal silence in the monastery (the only thing that will be heard is the beat of the Heart of Annwn).
6am Breakfast.
6.30am Communal practice in the monastery – Readings from Brythonic texts followed by longer meditation and contemplation or shamanic journey.
9am – Snack.
9.30am – Personal spiritual development.
12 noon – Lunch.
12.30 – Pilgrimage walk involving prayers and offerings to local spirits.
4pm – Community gathering for sharing news and developments.
5pm Baths.
5.30pm Tea.
6pm Free time for private prayer and study and group discussions.
8pm Communal worship in the monastery – evening prayers and songs for Gwyn ap Nudd and His family, the Spirit of the Monastery, the spirits of place and ancestors.
8.30pm Retire for evening prayers to Nodens as God of Dreams.
9pm Bed.
*The Huts of the Monastic Devotees were inspired by Danica Swanson’s ideas around a ‘cottage cluster monastery’ and the bee hive huts of monastics associated with the south-western Irish seaboard. **Matins / vigils (nighttime), lauds (early morning), prime (first hour of daylight), terce (third hour), sext (noon), nones (ninth hour), vespers (sunset), compline (end of the day).
If you would like to see the Monastery of Annwn become a physical reality please like or comment.
Birch. From the Proto-European bhereg ‘to shine, bright, white.’ Bedwen in Welsh. Beithe in Irish. The first letter in the ogham alphabet. I haven’t been drawn to working with ogham much but the associations between birch and new beginnings have long resonated for birch is a pioneer tree. Always the first to colonise new ground, leading the way for other trees, larger woods.
There’s a particular narrow strip of birch wood I like to visit, on the side of an old tram road, next to what was once a gas works, now a new housing estate. In spite of this the trees seem to dance. It’s a place where unique fungi associated with birch can be found such as birch polypore and fly agaric.
I made a new beginning this year and am prompted for aid to turn to birch. I’m drawn to a forked birch whose twin trunks remind me of the two things I’ve been inspired to bring together this year: flowers and feathers, horticulture and shamanic healing, grounding and soul flight.
I spend some talking and listening with the birch and am shown a vision of the wind blowing birch catkins into the future and told that I must ‘dream on.’
Dream on, dream on… I realise I must dream bigger… that these two aims must serve my larger dream of becoming a nun of Annwn – a guide of souls.
Following a session with my spiritual mentor overnight I’m gifted the idea of soul guidance one-to-ones then, in divination, the butterfly image for it.
On the new moon I make the launch and pray to birch for aid chanting her name. In vision I become one with her, beautiful, strong, ready for the sap to flow.
In this month’s Way of the Buzzard Mystery School journey circle the topic is ‘preparing new ground’ and we are working with birch, rowan or alder. The birch calls to me again and I receive some transfomative insights – ‘a nun of Annwn is a pioneer species’. I must ‘prepare new ground for others’, for ‘a new woodland’, ‘move forward’, ‘root deep’, and ‘not turn back’.
I realise it’s time to step fully into my role as a nun of Annwn. Rather than returning to a secular job and remaining stuck as Lorna Smithers to give myself fully to my calling from the Gods and put everything into becoming Sister Patience. To making the Monastery of Annwn a reality both online and in the physical world.*
Pioneering with birch I have begun using my monastic name for all communications aside from financial and legal. Most of my community know now – there is no turning back.
*This has become possible because my mum has offered to help me out financially if I run out of savings before finishing my shamanic healing course in three years time. I was hoping to find paid work in horticulture but ran into the same barriers for a horticultural project officer job as for conservation due to the limitations with my autism around people management and multitasking. I also realised a physical job in a plant nursery or as a gardener would not last due to my knee problems as I can’t kneel for long and at forty-two am not getting any younger. I was thinking about cleaning again but knew longterm it would have a negative impact on my mental heath. So I asked my mum for help and she agreed rather than see me stressed again. I will be continuing to volunteer in horticulture as a way of giving back to land and community.
In the middle of winter new shoots begin to show – snowdrop, crocus, daffodil, bluebell. I’m not sure if this has always been the case. But for the last six or so years one of my mid-winter rituals has been looking for new shoots.
New shoots have been showing in my life too. I’m starting to recover from the disappointment of In the Deep not being publishable and have come to terms with the fact the veto on my becoming a professional author is for good.
Before the winter solstice I attended a beautiful in-person workshop called Bear Moon Dreaming with my spiritual mentor, Jayne Johnson, in which she led a small group through shamanic journeying and dancing into connection with bear, the moon, and into the depths of the winter landscape and hibernation. In it I became one with the Water Country and Gwyn as Winter King giving gifts to the people.
Afterwards I realised I couldn’t live my life online anymore. Spending most of my day writing at my laptop and living through this blog has not been healthy.
Around the same time the forum for the Monastery of Annwn got deleted by the member who set it up without consent of the rest of the membership. I was shocked and angry but also a little relieved as I had been spending too much time online doing admin*. When I journeyed on what to do about it I found the monastery hanging by a thread in the Void and with my guides and other animals had to drag it back to the Forest of Annwn and reroot it. This became a metaphor for both what the monastery needs and I need too.
I spent the last moon cycle praying and discerning my future course. I received two answers and the first was that I needed to return to outdoor work. Previously I had been working in conservation and done a little horticulture and since then had been continuing to grow plants.
I have slowly been developing a relationship with Creiddylad as a Goddess of flowers with whom I have been working to improve our garden and the wildflower area in Greencroft Valley where I have volunteered since 2012.
So I have started volunteering with Let’s Grow Preston and Guardians of Nature with the hope this will lead to paid work. I feel horticulture will sit well with my vocation as monastics traditionally labour several hours in their gardens.
My second answer was to train to become a shamanic practitioner. This fit with my having been journeying with Gwyn for over ten years to bring back inspiration from Annwn to my communities and with my practicing core shamanism with the Way of the Buzzard and more recently with Jayne.
It’s something I’ve considered in the past but have been put off because I don’t feel good enough and have doubted whether I have it in me to be a healer.
Yet Gwyn has made it clear I must take this step and has assuaged my doubts. In relation to my presupposition, ‘I don’t have a healing bone in my body’, He reminded me of the time I had a similar thought, ‘I can’t grow things because everything I touch dies’, yet then got good at growing plants. He told me healing is a skill that lies within me and it is time to manifest it.
He also explained ‘it is like the transition between bard and vates’. I’ve been ‘the bard in the meadhall’. Giving up drinking has been for the purpose of clearing my head so I can hear the voices of the subtler spirits. Only I won’t later be becoming a druid but a nun of Annwn – an entirely new vocation.
Thus the new shoots push up through the surface and I see how to reroot. By getting my hands back in the soil through horticulture and working towards becoming a shamanic practitioner to heal both myself and others.
I will also be continuing to blog here about my journey and sharing devotional material as service to my Gods and for my patrons and wider readership.
*It turned out this wasn’t a bad thing as it has given us the chance to start looking for a better forum and share the administrative workload more fairly.
Last week, in preparation for taking or retaking vows at the Monastery of Annwn, one of our monastic devotees led an online prayer beading session threading beads relating to our nine vows.
I received my first set of beautifully crafted prayer beads from my friend, Aurora J Stone, as a gift for taking my initial vows. I use this set to connect more deeply with Gwyn and the mysteries of Annwn.
Therefore I decided to make a simpler set to represent the vows. I chose nine wooden beads from a local supplier, with knots between them, and added the pendants of my winged horse and Annuvian hound spirits (which had lost their original ‘home’ as the necklace I wore them on had broken). For me this represented a physical binding, with the black cotton string, of my monastic vows with my spirit guides.
I am hoping that, together, they will guide me through the next three years of my temporary vows. I will be consecrating them when I take those vows on the new moon on Saturday.
A new moon. More change. I’m sitting, meditating in this space I consecrated to Gwyn ap Nudd and the deities of Annwn as a cell of the Monastery of Annwn, being guided to focus on my breath, my here-ness. On the process of becoming Sister Patience as I approach taking my temporary vows as a nun of Annwn. And I realise this virtual space, re-named Orddu’s Cave, isn’t reflecting this place or who I am.
I changed the name of this blog several weeks ago for a few different reasons. The title ‘From Peneverdant’ was no longer working for me as I live a good mile and a half from ‘the Green Hill on the Water’ after which my hometown is named. Away from the river Ribble, up Fish House Brook, through Greencroft Valley, close to its source on the edge of where Penwortham Moss was drained off. In the Kingsfold Ward very close to the once notorious estate known as ‘the Beirut of Preston’.
It was no longer reflecting my monastic turn, to the turning of my attention to tending this sacred space, the cauldron of inspiration within and without, our garden, continuing to volunteer in Greencroft Valley.
The tagline ‘In Service to the Old Gods of Britain’ was no longer working as my path was becoming increasingly henotheistic, centred on Gwyn, whilst continuing to honour His family and the spirits of Annwn and my local deities.
I felt a calling to reconnect with Orddu and her ancestors – the lineage of witches who lived in a cave in Pennant Gofid, ‘the Valley of Grief’, in an unknown location in the Old North. I found analogies between their cave-dwelling and my own retreat to my monastic cell yet ‘Orddu’s Cave’ began to feel too distant.
I now feel much happier with ‘The Cell of Sister Patience’ reflecting where I am and who I am.
I’ve enjoyed running on-and-off since my early twenties as a form of exercise that has been really beneficial to my physical and mental health. I haven’t been able to run very long distances due to problems with anterior knee pain ‘runners knee’ and with my sciatic nerve. My furthest is 15 miles. Since starting strength training I’ve been running around 30 miles a week relatively injury free.* Last year I beat my goal of running a sub 2 hour half marathon with the time of 1 hour 54s.
Before I took monastic vows as a nun of Annwn one of the things I was concerned about was whether I would still be allowed to run and continue with my strength training. When I looked into rules about exercise in monastic traditions I found they differed widely. For example in Thailand the Buddhist monks are not allowed to ‘do weight lifting’ or ‘jog’ as it is ‘not proper’ (resulting in obesity)**. Contrastingly another Buddhist order, ‘the Marathon Monks of Mt Hiei’ in Japan, have to run distances between 18.6 miles a day for 100 days to 52 miles for 100 days over a seven year period.***
It is also notable that many monastic orders incorporate martial arts such as the Chinese Shaolin Monastery, the Hindu Naga Sadhus, and the monks of the Knights Templar during the Crusades.
The moment I thought about this question in relation to my patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, who is a warrior and a huntsman, I knew I didn’t really need to ask as He has encouraged me to run and do Taekwondo (before my local club closed) and more recently to take up strength training. I often feel closer to Him when I am running through the woods than when doing more formal devotions.
When I formulated the nine vows for the Monastery of Annwn I received the gnosis that one of them must be ‘to take care of our health’ and that could include exercise for those able to do it.
Over the past couple of years, when I am ‘in the zone’, I have found myself filled with energy that I can gift back to the Gods and the land in ad hoc prayers of thanksgiving as I have been running.
As a couple of examples this is one for my river Goddess, Belisama, as I run beside the Ribble –
‘My beautiful river, my beautiful river, my beautiful river – joy – my beautiful river, my beautiful river, beautiful river.’
This is a fragment of a praise poem that I tend to change in accordance with where I’m running –
‘I praise the land, the trees, I praise the sound of running feet, I praise the skies, I praise the clouds, I praise the sound of feet so loud…’
When I’ve had bad days and am in no mood for words I’ve offered my perseverance and effort to my Gods.
More recently I have begun using running as a form of prayer to bring myself closer to Gwyn reciting this ‘mantra’:
‘My breath with Your breath, my heart with Your heart, my feet on Your path, You and I as one.’
I am embracing running as a physical, mental, and spiritual practice that brings me into unity with my God.
The Sanctuary of Vindos 