Tag: Shiva

By Your Anger and Your Arrow – On Invoking Rudra and Gwyn

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In a recent article I mentioned my discovery that yoga and tantra originate from Shaivism, ‘the Path of evoking Shiva’, ‘a system of mysticism rooted in indigenous shamanism’ which existed before the beginning of the Vedic period (1).

This got me really excited as it provided evidence that yoga has shamanic origins and that Shiva, ‘Lord of Yoga,’ was the God of this pre-vedic system. As a Brythonic polytheist and shamanic guide I associate my patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, a King of Annwn (the Otherworld) with shamanic practices and have come to know Him as a ‘Master of Meditation’.

These similarities led me to looking for the earliest textual references to Shiva. I found out that He was earlier known by the name Rudra – ‘Roarer’ or ‘Howler’. By this name He shares many similarities with Gwyn as a God of hunting, wind and storms, and healing. Rudra is the leader of the Maruts or Rudras – storm Deities who are His sons. Gwyn and His ‘family’ are associated with ‘the province of the wind’ (2). Gwyn is a leader of the Wild Hunt, which is a similar phenomenon.

The oldest hymns to Rudra appear in the Rig Veda (1500BCE). In her introduction Wendy Doniger describes Him as follows: ‘Rudra is a liminal figure… invoked with Vedic hymns but not invited to partake in the regular Vedic sacrifice; as the embodiment of wildness and unpredictable danger, he is addressed more with the hope of keeping him at bay than with the wish to bring him near… Though only three entire hymns in the Rig Veda are addressed to Rudra, the rich ambivalence of his character is the basis of an important line of Indian theology that culminates in the Hindu god Śiva. Rudra is fierce and destructive like a terrible beast, like a wild storm; the sage begs him to turn his malevolence elsewhere. Yet Rudra is not merely demonic, for he is the healer and cooler as well as the bringer of disease and destructive fever’ (3).

I found this description striking and it reminded me very much of Gwyn, who shares an outsider status as a wild God who is revered and feared. Gwyn and the spirits of Annwn, like the Irish andedion ‘ungods’, also exist outside the ‘pantheons’ of culture Gods – the Children of Don  and the Tuatha De Dannan (4). This is suggestive of their origins in an earlier wilder shamanic culture.

Gwyn shares with Rudra a ‘rich ambivalence’. As the leader of the spirits of Annwn He contains their aryal ‘fury’ and demonic nature yet, at the same time, He is the Deity who holds it back to prevent the destruction of the world (5). These spirits share many similarities with the Maruts, or Rudras, the sons of Rudra. Rudra is also said to have power over the Asuras, ‘demons’.

Like Rudra, Gwyn is viewed as being able to bring disease and destruction and, contrastingly, is seen as a healer. In the fourteenth century He was invoked to heal the effects of the Evil Eye as recorded in The Speculum Christiani: ‘Some stupid people also stupidly go to the door holding fire and iron in the hands when someone has inflicted illness, and call to the King of the Benevolent Ones and his Queen, who are evil spirits, saying, “Gwyn ap Nudd who are in the forests for the love of your mate allow us to return home” (6).

It is very interesting to see Gwyn referred to as the King of the Benevolent Ones. This, like the term Tylwyth Teg, ‘Fair Family,’ is a euphemism for His spirits similar to how the Greek furies are referred to as the Eumenides, ‘Kindly Ones’. Likewise, Rudra is implored for His ‘kindness’. Gwyn’s name, which means ‘white, blessed, holy,’ might be seen as a similar appellation.

In ‘Rudra, Father of the Maruts’, Rudra is called upon to send ‘kindess’ and ‘healing medicine’, to drive away ‘hatred’, ‘anguish’ and ‘disease’ and to ward off ‘attacks and injury’. He is petitioned as ‘the best healer’ and as a protector who takes the form of a ‘tawny and amazing bull’ carrying ‘arrows and bow’ (7). In this apparel He bears striking similarities with Gwyn, who appears as a warrior-huntsman and ‘bull of battle’ in The Black Book of Carmarthen (8).

In ‘Have Mercy on us Rudra’ He is again petitioned to show ‘kindness’, to offer ‘protection, shelter, refuge’ and to hold back His destructive power. ‘Do not kill our father or our mother, nor harm the bodies dear to us.’ ‘Keep far away from us your cow-killing and man-killing power, O ruler of heroes’ (9). Here, like Gwyn, whose horse tramples armies like felled reeds to the ground (10) He brings death. ‘Ruler of heroes’ resembles Gwyn’s epithet ‘Lord of Hosts.’

Intriguingly we find the lines: ‘We call down for help the dreaded Rudra… the sage who flies.’ (11) This might refer to Rudra’s mastery of shamanic soul-flight. 

In the Yajur Veda we find a hymn to Rudra called ‘Shri Rudram’ which is divided into two parts. In the Namakam, Rudra is invoked by a number of names to stay His bow and arrow and destructive tendencies and to bring happiness and peace. ‘Oh! Rudra Deva! My salutations to your anger and your arrows. My salutations to your bow and to your pair of hands. Oh! Destroyer! By that arrow of yours, that bow of yours and that quiver of yours which have become the most peaceful make us happy’ (12).

Here Rudra and the Rudras are intimately associated with forests and trees. We find lines where They share similarities with the spirits of Annwn or fairies who, in The Life of St Collen, wear garments of red and blue and offer a delicious banquet (13). ‘Those Rudras who exist in trees as their overlords, yellow-hued, like tender grass, crimson and blue-necked… lords of ghosts and spirits… those Rudras who are protectors of the pathways, the givers of food’ (14).

The Chamakan is a series of petitions to Rudra for health and good fortune. ‘Let the life forces and vital airs of Prana, Apana and Vyana function properly in me.’ ‘Let me have well functioning sense organs with clear eye sight and clear hearing.’ ‘May I be granted happiness in this world and the other world’ (15).

These early hymns show how Rudra was invoked in the vedic times and hint at His function in an earlier wilder shamanic culture. At their heart lies Rudra’s ambivalent nature – His fierceness and His kindness – qualities He shares with Gwyn. Thus, they offer clues to how Gwyn (by His earlier name Vindos) might have been praised and called upon by the Brythonic people around 1500BCE and might serve as inspiration for new hymns from modern devotees.

REFERENCES

  1. Swami Nischalananda, Insight into Reality, (Kindle Edition, 2019), p387
  2. Dafydd ap Gwilym, Poems, (Gomer Press, 1982), p131
  3. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p219 – p222
  4. Similar wild outsider Gods are found in other Indo-European cultures such as Dionysus to the Olympian Gods in the Greek tradition and the Vanir to the Aesir in the Norse tradition.
  5. ‘Gwyn ap Nudd… God has put the spirit of the demons of Annwfn in Him, lest the world be destroyed.’Sioned Davies, The Mabinogion, (Oxford University Press, 2007),p199
  6. Angelika H. Rudiger, ‘Gwyn ap Nudd: Transfigurations of a character on the way from medieval literature to Neo-pagan beliefs’, Gramayre: The Journal of the Sussex Centre for Folklore, Winter 2012, Issue 2 
  7. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p222 – 223
  8. https://awenydd.weebly.com/the-conversation-between-gwyn-ap-nudd-and-gwyddno-garanhir.html
  9. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p224 – 225
  10. https://awenydd.weebly.com/the-conversation-between-gwyn-ap-nudd-and-gwyddno-garanhir.html
  11. Wendy Doniger (transl), The Rig Veda (Penguin Classics, Kindle Edition), p224 – 225
  12. https://www.sathyasai.org/sites/default/files/pages/eternal-companion/vol-4/issue-3/rudram-namakam-chamakam.pdf p1-2
  13. https://www.maryjones.us/ctexts/collen.html
  14. Ibid. p23

The Universe Unrolls from His Heart – Thoughts on Kashmir Shaivism and Annuvian Monasticism

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‘He becomes intent to roll out the entire splendour of the Universe that is contained in His heart…’
~ Swami Maheshwarananda

When I first started practicing yoga in 2022 in the hope it would help with my hip and knee problems I had no idea that I would fall in love not only with the asana ‘postures’ but with pranayama ‘breathwork’ and dhayana ‘meditation’. I never guessed that I would find such astonishing parallels between the Hindu God Shiva, ‘Lord of Yoga’, and my patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, who presented Himself to me as our Brythonic ‘Master of Meditation’. Both, I realised, come from a shared Indo-European origin.

I found similarities exist between Shiva and Gwyn on a symbolic level. Both are associated with bulls and serpents and with intuitive insight and visionary experience. Shiva’s often seen as a destroyer and Gwyn has destructive potency as a leader of the Wild Hunt and the God who holds back the fury of the ‘devils’ of Annwn in order to prevent their destruction of the world.

There’s a story about Shiva riding down the mountain to His wedding feast on a huge bull ‘covered in snakes and ash’ ‘with ghosts and demons’ ‘some had their mouths in their stomachs, some had only one foot and some had three’. Yet when He and His company ‘crossed the wedding portals’ and entered the presence of His bride, Shakti, they were transfigured into ‘a handsome young man’ and ‘divine beings’ (1). This spoke immediately to me of the paradoxical nature of Gwyn and the spirits of Annwn who are referred to both as furious ‘devils’ and as beautiful and beneficent fair folk.

Whilst studying yogic meditation in more depth with the Mandala Yoga Ashram I discovered an incredible text called the Vigyana Bhairava Tantra from the Kasmir Shaivite tradition.The ashram founder, Swami Nischalanda, refers to it as his Bible and many of the practices within the ashram derive from it. Over recent months I have taken a short course (2) and read Swamiji’s exposition of it in Insight Into Reality from which I gleaned many insights.

Bhairava ‘Fearsome’ or ‘Awe-Inspiring’ is another name for Shiva which evokes qualities of Gwyn, whilst vigyana means ‘insight’ and tantra ‘techniques’. The text is also known as Shiva Vigyana Upanishad ‘The Secret Teachings of Shiva’. Within, Bhairava addresses His consort, Bhairavi as His Beloved and student, teaching Her in 112 dharanas ‘concentrations / lessons’ how to gain insights into the fundamental nature of reality. As I’ve been listening to and practicing the dharanas I have felt that Gwyn is speaking through it to me as His student and beloved as a nun of Annwn.

In The Edge of Infinity Swami Nischalananda provides an account of the history of Kashmir Shaivism. He says: ‘In the past, tantra was widely known as Shaivism, ‘the Path of Evoking Shiva’, a system of mysticism rooted in indigenous shamanism. It existed  throughout India well before 1500 CE, the start of the vedic period’ (3). Tantra, as an oral tradition, predates the Vedic texts, with its first scriptures emerging in the first millenium CE. Kashmir Shaivism originated in 850 CE with one of the main texts being the Shiva Sutras which were gifted to Vasugupta by Shiva in a dream. The Vigyana Bhairava Tantra is central and was written down around 7 – 800CE.

I was incredibly excited to find out that a number of texts, such as Pratyabhijna Hridayam ‘The Heart of Recognition’ and The Triadic Heart of Shiva, refer to the universe unfolding from Shiva’s heart and to His residence in the heart. 

‘When He becomes intent to roll out the entire splendour of the Universe that is contained in His heart… he is designated as Sakti.’ (4)

‘The Heart, says Abhinavagupta, is the very Self of Siva, of Bhairava, and of the Devi, the Goddess who is inseparable from Siva. Indeed, the Heart is the site of their union (yamala), of their embrace (samghata). This abode is pure consciousness (caitanya) as well as unlimited bliss (ananda)… The Heart, says Abhinavagupta, is the sacred fire-pit of Bhairava. The Heart is the Ultimate (anuttara) which is both utterly transcendent to (visvottirna) and yet totally immanent in (visvamaya) all created things. It is the ultimate essence (sãra). Thus, the Heart embodies the paradoxical nature of Siva and is therefore a place of astonishment (camatkara), sheer wonder (vismaya), and ineffable mystery. The Heart is the fullness and unboundedness of Siva (purnata), the plenum of being that overflows continuously into manifestation. At the same time, it is also an inconceivable emptiness (sunyatisunya). The Heart is the unbounded and universal Self (purnahantä).’ (5)

‘He, truly, indeed, is the Self (atman) within the heart, very subtle, kindled like fire, assuming all forms. This whole world is his food. On Him creatures here are woven. He is the Self, which is free from evil, ageless, deathless, sorrowless, free from uncertainty, free from fetters, whose conception is real, whose desire is real. He is the Supreme Lord. He is the ruler of beings. He is the protector of beings. This Soul, assuredly, indeed, is Isana, Sambhu, Bhava, Rudra.’ (6) (The names at the end are all epithets of Shiva).

Reading these words was meaningful for me because Gwyn revealed to me that His heart is the Heart of Annwn ‘Very Deep’ (the Brythonic Otherworld). During my practice of playing the heartbeat of Annwn on my drum for an hour every week I have experienced visions of the universe and its people being born from Annwn like red blood pouring from His heart and returning at death like blue blood. When we entered a sacred marriage He came to dwell within my heart as ‘the Heart of my Heart’. I was told that my heart is also the Heart of Annwn and the universe unrolls from my heart (which fits with the practices emphasising the importance of the heart-space in yoga).

As I read more about Kashmir Shaivism I found further similarities with the cosmology I have been gifted in visions from Gwyn. In Kashmir Shaivism the fundamental ground of reality is Brahman or Parama ‘Ultimate’ Shiva. In mythology it is represented as the serpent-king Nagaraja ‘the infinite… who spreads out the universe with thousands of hooded heads, set with blazing, effulgent jewels’ (7). Before I had read these lines I was shown that the ground of reality is Anrhuna, the Mother of Annwn, the Dragon Mother, who has nine dragon heads with jewels in their foreheads and an infinite number of coils. 

In a vision I was shown how Anrhuna was slaughtered and Gwyn and His sister, Creiddylad, were torn from Her womb. Through eating His mother’s heart Gwyn inherited the Heart of Annwn and became King of Annwn (8). Creiddylad brought life to the world as the energy behind creation – the ‘green fuse’ of vegetative life and by breathing life into living creatures. 

This bears a resemblance with Kashmir Shaivism wherein Brahman divides into Shiva (Consciousness) and Shakti (energy and matter). There are parallels between the Heart of Annwn being the source of the universe from which all living beings are born and to which they return and the Heart of Shiva being the source of all energy and matter manifesting as Shakti.

Intriguingly, the first three dharanas in the Vigyana Bhairava Tantra focus on the origin and end points of the breath. When I practice these exercises I find myself contemplating how Creiddylad gave breath to life and Gwyn takes it away.

Finding these similarities between Kashmir Shaivism and the Annuvian monasticism I am developing for Gwyn has been revealing and exciting. I’m sure there is much more to be discovered as I continue with my research and practices.

REFERENCES

(1) Swami Nischalananda, Insight into Reality, (Kindle Edition, 2019), p393
(2) https://www.mandalayogaashram.com/self-study-course-vigyana-bhairava-tantra
(3) Swami Nischalananda, Insight into Reality, (Kindle Edition, 2019), p387
(4) Jaideva Singh, Pratyabhijna Hridayam, (Sundar Lal Jain, 1963), p30
(5) Paul Eduardo Muller-Ortega, The Triadic Heart of Siva, (State University of New York Press), p71
(6) Ibid. p82
(7) Richard Freeman, The Mirror of Yoga: Awakening the Intelligence of Body and Mind, (Kindle Edition, 2019) p19
(8) This story has a basis in medieval Welsh mythology. In Culhwch and Olwen, Gwyn kills a king called Nwython then feeds his heart to his son. I believe this might evidence an earlier ‘Cult of the Heart’ that preceded the ‘Cult of the Head’ wherein the soul was seen to dwell in the heart and the wisdom of one’s ancestors could be passed on by eating their hearts.

Meditating Gwyn

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My breath with Your breath,
my heart with Your heart,
my feet on Your path,
You and I as one.

This piece of devotional art represents a face of my patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, who I know as Meditating Gwyn and the Inspirer. Gwyn first appeared to me in this form when I started to take seated breathing meditation seriously after finding techniques that worked for me from yoga.

Several years ago I received the gnosis that the meditating deity on the Gundestrup Cauldron is likely to be Gwyn (who may also be Cernunnos ‘Horned’ by another title) and Gwyn’s appearance in this guise confirmed it.

I had not thought of Gwyn, as a warrior-hunter God who gathers the souls of the dead, as being associated with meditation until He took this apparel. Yet it made sense in terms of my experience of Him paradoxically being not only the storm of the Wild Hunt but the calm at the heart of the storm. It also ties in with His likeness with Shiva, the Hindu Lord of Yoga, with them both being creator-destroyers with connections with bulls and snakes/serpents depicted in similar poses.

Since then Gwyn has continued appearing to me in this guise when I meditate, helping me to align my breath with His breath, my heart with His heart, keep my feet on His path and enter union with Him.

Whilst this image resembles the image on the Gundestrup Cauldron in many ways, it differs in others. You will probably notice Gwyn’s antlers don’t look like real antlers. They look more like radio antennas. I asked Him about that and He said it represents His ability, when meditating, to tune into what is happening in Thisworld and the Otherworld and sense the deaths of those whose souls He needs to gather.

Gwyn and the serpents have jewels in their foreheads. This addition has come to me in personal gnosis as I’ve journeyed with Him into the deep past, before the world was created, before humans, when He lived in Annwn amongst serpents. He and the serpents all had these magical jewels. I found no evidence of this for a long while until I saw a bronze head with a forehead jewel from Furness, Lancashire in Pagan Celtic Britain. I then learnt the serpent associated with Shiva, Nandi, has a magical forehead jewel. There are also three jewels in Gwyn’s belt which, to me, are the three stars in the belt of His constellation, the Hunter (Orion).

He wanted hair. Although Gwyn is not pictured on a cauldron I kept His silver-grey apparel as I see Him as having grey skin in His more primordial form (Creiddylad has green skin, Nodens/Nudd blue, Anrhuna grey) which I later realised fits with representations of the Gods in the Hindu and Buddhist yogic traditions.

This image on the Gundestrup Cauldron has also been associated with awenyddion ‘people inspired’ who likely used meditation and journeywork to travel to Annwn to bring back inspiration for their poetry. I see it as an image of Gwyn as the Inspirer which can be imitated by His Inspired Ones.

Harvesting the Fruits of Solitude

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I. The Gifts of Gwyn

It’s harvest time. I’ve been gathering in the apples from our back garden. I’ve also started to take some time out to reflect on what I have harvested on a spiritual and creative level whilst, although living with my parents, spending most of my time in solitude since leaving my ecology job in August last year.

I’ve been through a lot of changes. It was a big blow realising that the limitations of my autism rendered me incapable of coping with the demands of working in either conservation or ecology due to my inability to manage projects and people, multi-task, or work flexible shifts or do night work.

Yet my patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, gifted me with two tasks that gave me purpose and hope. The first, writing a series of books titled The King of Annwn Cycle imagining His unknown story from His birth until the end of the world. The second building the Monastery of Annwn of which He is also the patron.

For the first few months I threw myself into those tasks with utter joy and was completely absorbed in the awen working on my first book In the Deep. I took initial vows as a nun of Annwn on the new moon in October and being part of a group of monastic devotees devoted to the Annuvian Gods and Goddesses has been an ongoing source of inspiration and support.

II. Losing Hope

Yet over the winter I had a few things that derailed me. Blocks with the book after realising that due to it being a personal vision of Gwyn’s story with only subtle links to the existing myths it is unlikely to reach as wide an audience as my work that explicitly related Brythonic content to our environmental crisis.

Minor health problems. Tests around raised liver function that never came to anything. Rosacea. Runner’s knee. Then in spring, just as my knee issues were easing and the weather was getting better I went and pulled my sciatic nerve in my glute and had to reduce my running and strength training.

At this point I was also struggling with breathwork meditation. Gwyn began encouraging me to learn to focus on my breath prior to covid and has told me holding spaces of calm free of chattering thoughts is one of the most important things we can do for the world on an energetic level.

Failing to master my internal chatter alone I tried looking to Buddhism and considered going to meditation classes at a Preston’s Kadampa Buddhist Meditation Centre. To prepare I read one of the books by the Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso Riposte who founded the Kadampa tradition. It led me to the realisation the path of freeing oneself from the suffering of earthly existence isn’t for me and left me feeling profoundly unspiritual so I did not go.

On top of my feelings of despair about being called to write a series of books that would never sell, dread of my savings running out and having to return to menial work, and my nerve pain, this led to me feeling ‘there is no hope left.’ 

The very moment this thought popped into my mind, when I was open and vulnerable, on my way home from a local walk, my nerve bothering me, I met a person who somehow knew my name and that I ran an online monastery and invited him to join and he caused trouble and had to be thrown out. 

This was a big lesson on my failure to address the negative thought patterns that had got a hold on me. I’ve long been quite good at serving my Gods but terrible at taking care of my mental health and spiritual development. 

I’ve served as a vessel for Their inspiration without taking care of the vessel.

III. Taking Care of the Vessel

My recovery from what I now believe to be ‘power loss’ began with a ‘power retrieval’ journey with the Way of the Buzzard Mystery School.

Therein I was given a set of ‘wolf’s teeth’ and told that I must be ‘fiercer’. This went against my preconceptions of what being a nun meant as I was striving to be humbler. Yet I took my teeth and the advice. When I reported this to Gwyn, not long before his death and departure on May Day, He told me by the time He returns at the end of August He wanted me to own them.

Shortly afterwards, on the suggestion of my personal trainer, I started practicing yoga to help with my sciatic nerve problems and with flexibility. I had never considered it before due to issues around its appropriation by westerners.

However I decided to give it a go and immediately found a Youtube channel called Breathe and Flow led by a pair of practitioners who make clear from the start the poses are just part of a wider spiritual practice and philosophy and who make the effort to incorporate breathwork and meditation into their classes. 

At once I found both a physical practice to help heal my sciatic nerve pain and improve my flexibility and mobility and support with breathwork and meditation.

When I started reading up on the religious and philosophical background of yoga to my amazement I found out the Hindu God who is Lord of Yoga is Shiva and He bears similarities to Gwyn as a destroyer and transformer. They both have associations with bulls and serpents and, to my surprise and delight, Shiva’s serpent, Nandi, has a magical jewel on his forehead. In my personal gnosis Gwyn and the serpents of Annwn have similar jewels.

The images of Shiva and the meditating deity who I believe to be Gwyn on the Gundestrup Cauldron bear a striking resemblance. As I persevered with my meditation practice over the summer, although asleep, Gwyn began visiting me in spirit form, as ‘meditating Gwyn’, in the likeness of this image. As if he had been cut from the cauldron, in shining silver, to help me with my breathing. I finally found the practices I needed to take care of my vessel.

Another source of help and support has been working with a supervisor and therapist, who is also a shamanic practitioner and I was put in touch with by Nicola Smalley who co-runs the Way of the Buzzard Mystery School. This is the first time I have had a human teacher and it has taken a long while for the circumstances to come into play that have made this desirable and possible.

When we were looking into my fears around panicking/freezing/melting down when faced with unexpected difficulties, particulary in social situations, we journeyed together on it and she saw a red dragon on my shoulder breathing fire and was told by Merlin that I must learn to ‘tame the dragon’.

This unsurprisingly led ‘my red dragon’ to rebel which I gave voice to in a poem*. Yet a tarot reading revealed that what Merlin was calling for was the need not so much to tame the red dragon but to balance her energies with those of the white dragon through meditative traditions and taking responsibility. 

Of course, in the Welsh myths, it is Merlin who reveals the red and white dragons battling beneath Dinas Emrys where Vortigern wants to build his fortress following their burial by Gwyn’s father, Nudd/Lludd. Amazingly my supervisor knew nothing of my connection with these myths prior to the journey.

I have begun a process of transmuting the anger of the red dragon to strength and the panic of the white dragon to calm in my yoga practice by coupling them with holding postures on either side and with alternating nostril breathing along with trying lion’s breath to release the fiery energy.

V. Unblocking the Flow

Prior to this I had considered alternative options for possible paid work – running courses and workshops or writing a book on Brythonic Polytheism as quite a few people have asked me for reliable material. However, whenever I have attempted to put something together I have met a block.

On the one hand I felt with my background in research into the Brythonic tradition and my experiential relationship with a few of the deities I was in a position from which I could deliver this. Yet I also knew my approach is highly personal and idiosyncratic and critical of the medieval Welsh texts, penned by Christian scribes, in which Gwyn and the spirits of Annwn, the witches, giants and ancient animals are demonised and repressed.

I’m not a person who could deliver the literary background formally, without opinion, without a few of the teeth and claws of the spirits of Annwn getting through.

When I entertained the idea again this year I was told by Gwyn to set it aside and ‘stop thinking about money’. Yet my feeling this might be a future obligation and potential source of income in spite of my blocks continued to persist.

I finally let go of this once and for all following a conversation with my supervisor. She advised that rather than acting from my sense of obligation and presuppositions about what the world wants and needs I should follow my inspiration, the flow of my creativity, asked where my passion really lies.

I said, “in my books”, “in Gwyn,” “in the Annuvian,” “in all He and the Otherworld represent”. She told me this is what I should focus on and write about in spite of my fears about my work not being well received or making money.

For the past year I had increasingly been struggling to create blog content based on what I think my readers want in terms of Brythonic content and poetry. My prayers and songs for Gwyn had all been from the heart but I’d had to drink alcohol to force the poetry out and I hadn’t managed to write much about the other Brythonic Gods and Goddesses in spite of my intent.

As soon as I let go of what I felt my obligations are I had two new poems come through without the aid of alcohol pretty much complete and was inspired to write a couple of pieces on my ‘forbidden pleasure’ – dark fantasy.

VI. The Dark Magician’s Door

At the time I was considering where my future prospects and obligations lie I dismissed the possibility that I might gain a larger readership for my books, which I would describe as mythic fiction containing elements of heroic and dark fantasy, by engaging more with the world of fantasy and its readers.

I flirted briefly with the idea of starting a new blog for thoughts on fantasy and reviews but decided it would be too time consuming and didn’t like the idea of having two blogs and profiles. I also got put off by the fact a lot of engagement takes place on social media and this is an absolute no-no for me. I took one look at Twitter and felt like I was staring into the pits of Hell.

I also dismissed the idea of posting fantasy content on this blog as I have tried it in the past and it hasn’t been well received. I decided there are enough people in the world talking about fantasy and not enough talking about the Brythonic Gods so I should continue to make that duty my focus. 

I then had a seemingly unrelated experience that led to my giving up alcohol for good. I used alcohol to self-medicate my anxiety from my late teens until 2020 when I began giving it for periods and cutting down a lot. The habit of weekends and occasional mid-week drinking had snuck back during my difficulties with my sciatic nerve pain even though my body was rebelling against it – expunging it with night sweats and its stink in my piss and shit.

I really wanted to give it up for another long period but was having no success. 

Then I had a dream in which my dark magician guide (who is a character in a fantasy novel who has been with me since I was around thirteen) showed up with a vision of planks leading up and down a wall to different doors, told me he was angry I had ‘closed his door’ and left through it.

The next morning he appeared again in my meditation, vivid as in a dream, in Annwn, beside the Abyss, with the part of myself who is addicted to alcohol, sweating, writhing, stinking of its excesses, wrapped in a white shroud. He told me it was time I gave up alcohol for good and that I must cast her in. Although this completely terrified me I went along with what he said. Afterwards I reported it to Gwyn and solemnly promised Him I would not relapse.

Knowing I would never have the comfort of alcohol again was scary at first but has proved to be a big release with the part of my mind obsessing about whether I’ll drink then feel guilty and like a failure having finally been laid to rest. It has opened a lot more space for communion with my Gods and creativity.

I forgot all about the dark magician’s door until the block allowing me only to write Brythonic content and poetry for my blog was released and I came up with new poems and the fantasy book reviews I had denied myself of writing. 

I’d closed his door – the door to fantasy – and now it stands open again.

VII. Returning to Orddu’s Cave

Over this year of solitude I have harvested a good many things. I have produced a finalish draft of my first book, In the Deep, and am well on my way with the drafting of my second book, The King and Queen of Annwn. The building of the Monastery of Annwn is going well with our development of our shared practices, meditation group and first year of online rituals.

I’ve come a long way in discerning the direction of my path as an awenydd and nun of Annwn devoted Gwyn and learning to follow my inspiration.

Another important learning is that whereas in the past I forced myself out into various communities, spiritual, creative and environmental, I am happiest when I am alone or interacting with very small groups of like-minded people.

There is a lot of stigma around solitude identifying it with mental ill health. Yet, for me, and I would warrant a lot of autistic people, it is a source of well being.

This has led me back to the cave of Orddu, the Very Black Witch, an inspired one and warrior woman intimately connected to Gwyn who was slaughtered by Arthur.

I no longer see it as my duty to sing back the traditions in which the King of Annwn and his followers are demonised and killed but to join the inspired ones past and present who are perceiving new visions from the Cauldron of Inspiration, brewing them in their own vessels, birthing them in words. Owning my wolf’s teeth, my black beak and claws, all that Arthur forbids.

In my cave, my room, my monastic cell, I tend my cauldron and my awen sings.

*This is the poem recording my initial rebellion against Merlin’s words.

The Dragon on my Shoulder Breathes Fire

I.
She sees the things that are unseen but are –
the dragon on my shoulder breathes fire.

Not just any fire but Annwn’s fire, 
the type that warms the belly,
implodes the head, 
bursts forth as
poetry
(on a good day)
but is otherwise 
expressed as anger.

Anger that will not be satiated 
by death or by the spilling of blood. 

Where do dragons come from?

II.
There are fire eaters and fire breathers
and those who swallow stars
not to make a living
but to avoid our soul’s death.

Dragon fire has been within us all along.

III.
Red is danger 
and danger is anger 
with a letter d at the front.

Red and hatred have the same vibe. 
Red, goch, iron, the red at the earth’s core. 
My temper will not be tempered – my 
metalwork got melted down. 

I did not master fire. 

Instead I released the dragon 
soaring soaring from the forge wept
the day I did not save my Lord from Arthur’s sword.

But it was I who freed the fiery serpents sizzling, hissing, spitting.

IV.
Now a large grandfather clock is ticking down to doomsday. 
The dragons are fighting again and will not be quieted.

Merlin tells me that I must ‘tame the dragon’.

Why, oh prophet, diviner, madman, 
must I try to tame what cannot be tamed?

Why, oh son of a demon, who prophecies in dragon fire
are you speaking this Arthurian language of taming?

All I know is you have demons inside you too,
in your heart, in your head, that both of us
like to sit beneath the apple trees.

The dragons are within me.

The Island of Prydain.

The dragons are within you too.

The dragon on my shoulder breathes fire
and she sees the things that are unseen but are.