My article ‘The Gods and Spirits of Annwn’ has recently been published in Sacred Hoop – ‘a leading international magazine about Shamanism, Sacred Wisdom and Earth Spirituality.’
You can purchase a copy HERE.
I’ve recently spent a week in retreat and a huge insight came up as I was contemplating why I’m struggling to feel I’m of value and to stand in my truth as a nun, not only in polytheist and shamanic groups but in my local community.
I realised this is firstly because I’m not a cloistered nun and secondly that, although I’ve tried on the role of a lay nun, this doesn’t truly fit either. I’m not naturally a community person. I’m not naturally an active. I’m not smily and sociable. This is not only because I’m autistic and struggle with social anxiety but because my soul has a deep need for solitude and silence – it hurts when that state of being is broken by the social demands for polite conversation and small talk.
One sign that I was forcing myself to do the wrong thing by trying to be a community person was the problems I experienced when I tried running in-person shamanic circles (something I felt I should do but was not told to by my Gods). I had to cancel the first one at Galloways, a lovely venue that was formerly a home for the blind, due to the extremely cold weather in January. After this, the numbers were good for one circle, then dwindled, meaning we couldn’t afford the room. When I tried co-organising another at the Education Hut in Greencroft Valley, where I’ve been conservation volunteering for thirteen years, it was very stressful due to being weather-dependent as based in a woodland and was called off due to a storm.
Ok, I admitted to the Gods, I’m not meant to be running in-person circles. If I don’t listen next time, you’ll send something worse than cold and ice and a minor storm. In retrospect, I could see they were safeguarding me from the stress of organising people to do things (my main trigger for burnout) along with the discomforts of making small talk at the beginning and end and co-ordinating the group drumming (which really hurt my head!). I realised I’d be able to mask for a certain amount of time, but long term, the attendees would perceive how uncomfortable I am in community.
As I sat with these thoughts, I received the gnosis ‘the truth is I’m a hermit’. It’s risen from within before and has been repeated by the people who really know me. I’ve shrugged it off again and again as I haven’t felt hermit-like enough. I run an online monastery. I’m training to be a shamanic practitioner. I go to the gym.
When I looked into this, I found there were no rules that prevented a hermit from going to the gym. Most hermits are expected to support themselves by work that fits with leading a prayerful solitary life, and being a shamanic practitioner does. And it is possible for a hermit to found and run a monastery that accommodates an eremitic lifestyle as exemplified by St Romauld and the Camaldolese order.
So, I realised, I can be a hermit nun. This thought made me feel incredibly happy and at peace with myself. It made me think of all the times I’ve drawn the Hooded Man in the Wildwood Tarot, ‘my old friend’, and felt the deepest of kinships.
Finally, I can stand in my truth when people ask me what I do without feeling I need to put on pretences to be a smily sociable lay nun but can explain I am a hermit nun and that silence and solitude are intrinsic to my role.
For the first time in my life, my nature and vocation are at one.
Soul retrieval is a central practice within core shamanism. It was (re)introduced to the West by Michael Harner in the 1970s following his study and practice with indigenous shamans around the world.
From a shamanic perspective, one of the main causes of illness is soul loss. This occurs in moments of trauma wherein the pain is so great a part of the soul departs from the body in order to preserve the intregrity of the whole. Soul loss can occur as a result of major trauma such as accidents, near-death experiences, war-time experiences, abuse and neglect. It can also be brought about by ongoing traumas such as bullying and being trapped in a controlling relationship. What constitutes trauma for one person might be different for the next. We can also, consciously or unconsciously, send soul parts away in order to fit in with family, friends, or the demands of society. These are often child parts, sensitive parts, or wild parts that do not cohere with social norms.
Within a shamanic context the soul parts can depart to various places. They can remain stuck at the site of the trauma here in the Middle World or take flight to a favourite place where they feel safe. They can also go to the Upper World or the Lower World. It is common to find they are looked after by guides or ancestors or protected by guardians.
The technique for bringing these missing soul parts back is called soul retrieval. It is possible for spontaneous soul retrieval to happen – for soul parts to come back on their own – and for a person to be able to find or call back their own soul parts. However, most often, because a person has sent their soul parts away and they no longer trust them or believe being with them is safe, it takes the skill of a shamanic practitioner to bring them back.
In a soul retrieval the practitioner journeys into the spirit realm with their guides to find the lost soul part. Negotiations with the protectors and with the soul part itself are usually needed to persuade it to come back. Soul parts will rarely return if the client is in the same conditions as when they left – for example trapped in abusive relationship or in an intolerable job. The soul parts frequently ask that the client make life changes to accomodate them (if they have not already done so) and might also ask that they make room for their needs – such as time for play or for spirituality or creativity. They might also ask for ritual acts such as the client eat their favourite food on a particular day, wear their favourite clothes, or do a favourite activity. Once the negotiations have been completed the soul parts sometimes need healing. After this, the practitioner returns and blows the soul part into the client’s body (usually a chakra) then rattles around to seal them in. The journey is then discussed with the client and they are advised on integration.
The main symptom of soul loss is feeling like you are not all here or a part of you is missing. Other symptoms include lost or fragmented memories and recurring dreams. Often, talking therapies fail to work because they are not addressing the parts that are missing. This fits with what, today, we call PTSD. In fact, the concepts of soul retrieval and soul loss fit very well with contemporary findings in neuroscience which demonstrates that trauma causes certain parts of our brain to go offline (causing parts of ourselves to disappear). Also, with psychotherapy, particularly Internal Family Systems, wherein protector parts are negotiated with and exiled parts integrated back into the whole. Following soul retrieval it is common for a person to feel more grounded and whole, for memories to return, and recurring dreams to ease.
Like most people I’ve experienced a fair amount of trauma. I’m autistic and was bullied throughout school and have also been bullied in the workplace. As a result I was often disassociated and retreated into fantasy to escape. I also depended on alcohol to self-medicate my anxiety for most of my life. Having a soul retrieval with my mentor and retrieving a soul part from one of my past lives have helped me to be happier and more present in the world.
My patron God, Gwyn ap Nudd, gathers the souls of the dead in the Brythonic tradition. He played a role in my soul retrieval, guiding my mentor to one of my lost soul parts and bringing it back to me. This experience was very emotional. Afterwards I realised that gathering lost soul parts was also His role. From thereon I knew soul retrieval was to be an important part of my work.
For my training towards becoming a shamanic practitioner I completed ten case studies. Soul retrieval proved popular because so many people relate to the concept of soul loss and recognise they are suffering from it. Finding and returning lost soul parts has been challenging but beautiful and inspiriting work and a fulfilment of service to both my clients and my God.
At first I was anxious about doing this healing for a couple of reasons. Firstly, there was the fear that I’d be completely useless at it and unable to find the soul parts. This was assuaged a little when one of my crow guides joked that I’d find it easier finding the soul parts than the people they belonged to.
Secondly, I was nervous about interacting with other people on such a deep level as an autistic person with social anxiety who has little experience of interpersonal relationships. Would I be able to show adequate care and kindness towards my clients and the lost and wounded parts of their souls? To make the shift from being an anxious and defensive person who has survived in a neurotypical world by masking to being more open-hearted I had to put a lot of trust in Gwyn and my guides and the people I was working with. Following my prayers I was able to drop down from the chatter in my head to working on a more intuitive and heart-centred level. This enabled me to interact with clients empathetically face-to-face and during the journeys. Not only that, on many occasions, I shared their emotions – both joy and sorrow, and even ended up hugging a couple of people afterwards (I never hug!).
During the healings I recovered soul parts from various places. Some remained at the site of trauma in the Middle World often within urban landscapes. Others had chosen to remain in or had fled to familiar places Middle World such as family homes, woodlands and beaches. A couple had escaped to fairytale landscapes in the Upper World. Some had gone to or were stuck in the Lower World – being submerged in underwater places or trapped in underground tunnels were common themes. Some of the soul parts had otherworldly guardians. Others had been looked after by ancestors, animal spirits, or favourite pets who had passed over.
The soul parts varied in age and appearance. Many were child parts. I was surprised to find a foetal part. I’d come across very young and baby parts but had been unaware that parts could leave whilst in the womb. I was equally surprised by the appearance of an elderly part. I hadn’t realised we contained or could lose parts older than our current age but this made sense within the context of the soul containing all our possibilities within it. Whilst most appeared as human some at first appeared as objects or essences.
In order to return, some of the soul parts simply wanted loving and nurturing. Others asked the clients to make room for emotions such as fear and joy. In some instances specific rituals were given which helped with the integration.
I didn’t have any problems journeying and so far have not returned without any soul parts. Contrarily, after discussing the healings with my mentor, in a couple of cases I feel I might have been overtrying, pushing too hard to find the soul parts, rather than letting the journeys unfold at a slower pace and allowing for distractions that might provide other revelations about a client’s problems.
Another thing I noticed was my reactions to the feedback (provided a month later). I was really attached to my clients providing positive comments and assuring me that all the classical effects of a soul retrieval had been felt. In a couple of instances life stresses had got in the way or clients had felt less certain about whether the soul parts had returned making me feel I’d failed.
When I spoke to my mentor about this she reminded me that spirit does not follow the Western model of cause and effect. Shamanic healing isn’t linear. When we’re working with spirit / energy / the web of life, if we change or unpick something in one place it will alter something elsewhere in space and time but it might not be the thing we expect. Also, it is common for clients to have ups and downs and for the healing work to bring up issues that need to arise and to be integrated and processed. These issues of having certain expectations and being attached to results are something I need to work with.
Overall I felt the soul retrievals were a success. On all occasions my clients had powerful and moving experiences and experieced the return of soul parts. In my feedbacks it was repeated that they felt safe and comfortable working with me, that they were listened to, that I was calm and… patient. I still have alot to learn but my foundational training in soul retrieval is complete and I’m looking forward to further developing my skills with this practice.
I am now offering soul retrieval at a student rate of £30 for a 2 hour session (1/2 hour online interview and 1 1/2 hour healing online or in-person for local people).
King of Annwn as You slumber
let me sing the world above for You –
of how the bees upon the lavender
are humming secret songs for You.
King of Annwn as You slumber
let me sing the world above for You –
of sunflowers tall as Gwythyr’s warriors
turning from the sun towards You.
King of Annwn as You slumber
let me sing the world above for You –
of how the apples on Your sacred trees
are ripening like the full moon for You.
King of Annwn as You slumber
let me sing the world above for You –
of how the blackberries are glistening
darker than the dark moon for You.
King of Annwn as You slumber
let me sing the world above for You –
of how the hazelnuts are growing
in threes and fives and nines for You.
King of Annwn as You slumber
let me sing the world above for You –
of how the white fields sway and tremble
as a wind like a scythe passes through.
King of Annwn as You slumber
let me sing the world above for You –
of how, like Creiddylad, I am waiting
beneath the shadows of the yew.
I was born from a rose bush
planted by Creiddylad – black, white and red.
My black sister is dead and my white sister is gone.
I wanted to be kind but I could not escape my thorns.
I fled from this world and wrapped myself
around the fortress of Annwn’s King.
I would not let Creiddylad in.
I wanted to be kind but I was cruel.
“It will always be winter here.
He will always wear my crown.
He will never return to gather the dead.
We will sleep together amongst His treasures for ever.”
“I planted you, I nurtured you,” Creiddylad wept,
her tears pouring down around my roots.
“Each one of your petals I made
from a tiny piece of my heart.”
“Then why am I so cruel?”
“Because there is cruelty
hidden deep within my heart –
that is why I practice kindness every day.”
“Then I can be kind too?”
“Yes.”
“Then what must I do?”
“Leave Annwn, leave my King,
return to the world to be a sanctuary
for another, who like you, has been cruel,
but longs to learn to love, to be kind, to heal.”
So I unwrapped my trestles and I threw down my thorns
and prostrated myself at Creiddylad’s feet
in my first act of kindness promising
there will be many more.
As I prepare to step up to beginning working with clients in shamanic energy healings the Spirit of the Sanctuary appeared to me in meditation and said She wanted to act as a guide and revealed Herself to me a form that She wants to make public for the first time. She appears here as a dark-haired woman with a halo of red roses and a black serpent wrapped around her lower half (both are symbols of the sanctuary).
As I progress with my shamanic practitioner training I am now offering free shamanic energy healing to volunteer clients for case studies.
Shamanic Energy Healing
From a shamanic perspective pain and illness are caused by blocked and congealed energy and by intrusions of negative energy into our energy bodies. In a shamanic healing session stuck energies are moved and transformed and any energies that don’t belong to us are safely extracted. This work differs from other forms of energy healing in that the practitioner works in a shamanic trance state under the guidance of spirit guides and helpers and uses traditional shamanic tools such as a drum and rattle.
You will need to be available for a 30 minute online interview and a 1 hour 30 min healing session (in-person if local or online) potentially followed by further sessions if needed.
If you are interested please email at: sisterpatience22@gmail.com
“You haven’t pulled anything,” said my physio, “it’s just a myofascial knot that needs trigger-pointing out.”
“Oh, well that’s a relief,” I said.
That was the first time. I’d thought I’d pulled a muscle in my quad when I was straining with my foot on a spade trying to remove a huge juncus effusus rushfrom Little Woolden Moss on the Manchester Mosslands.
He said the same thing when I went to him thinking I’d strained my neck overdoing a shoulder press at the gym. It turned out it was transferred pain from a knot in my shoulder and once he had done his work I could move my neck pain-free.
Since then I’ve got a lot better at recognising myofascial knots and at least partially releasing them myself by applying pressure and by foam rolling.
But what are they? How and why do they form? My research into fascia provided the missing link between my intutions about how stress and trauma are stored in the physical body and how this relates to the energy body.
‘Myo’ refers to muscle. We all know what muscles are. But less people know about fascia. We certainly weren’t taught about it in biology lessons at school. Skeleton – yes. Muscles – yes. Organs – yes. But the importance of the connective tissue that holds them together received barely a mention. In fact, surgeons used to cut it out and throw it away thinking it was useless! Fascia was also ignored by anatomists as it swiftly dries up after death and can only be studied in a living person during operations or a very fresh corpse.
Research on fascia began in the 1970s and it’s only over the past decade or so the findings have come into the mainstream and it has become a buzz-word.
Fascia is made of collagen, elastin and a gel-like ground substance composed of hylauronic acid. It includes the superficial fascia beneath our skin, the deep fascia around and interpenetrating our muscles, and the visceral fascia around our organs. As such it forms a single living web, interweaving the inner parts of our body together.
Fascia provides a support structure for our body and allows for the smooth gliding of muscles, tendons and ligaments. It is also, in the words of Dr Robert Schleip, ‘our richest sensory organ’. It is filled with nerve endings – encapsulated nerve endings for proprioception (telling us where our body is) and free nerve endings for introception (transmitting information about how we feel). According to Schleip 40% of the nerves of our sympathetic nervous system are in the fascia, which explains why it can become so tight and tense. Our fascia is alive and has its own innate intelligence.
Myofascial knots are contracted areas in bands of muscle / fascia (remember they are interwoven) caused by overuse, injury and stress. They form irritable nodes where toxins build up and pain from them is often referred elsewhere. I didn’t get how pain could refer until I found out fascia is one continuous organ.
Trauma can be stored in the fascia if, after a traumatic event, there is no release. This can be for large traumas like accidents and severe injuries or smaller traumas like mine where I’ve felt a sudden pull and thought, “Oh shit.” The holding of trauma is often accompanied by holding the breath. Stress from work and relationships can also accumulate and be held in the fascia.
Finding this out helped to explain a number of my problems. I have runner’s knee in my left knee and deep gluteal syndrome in my left buttock. These two related problems come from having spent twenty years running on and off (with the off being due to these issues) without doing any strengthening. Since starting strength training at the gym they are greatly improved but have not gone away and I’ve realised that is because I’m still holding and moving my body in a certain way and this is due to trauma still held in my fascia.
Also, I’m prone to stiffness and knots in my neck and shoulders along with tightness in my jaw and squinty and achy eyes. These result from, like most Westerners, having spent most of my childhood and adult life hunched over a desk, squinting at words, under pressure to pass exams and meet deadlines.
Even though I’m now only a victim of my own deadlines I find it difficult to destress and to spend time away from my computer as the programming of society that I should be here, working, is so strong within me. And I’ve managed to eliminate social use, using my computer only for research and writing. I’m aware others spend many more hours on their laptops or phones.
All these pressures have accumulated in my fascia over the years and congealed into a structure I am concerned might take just as long to release!
As well as working with myofascial knots on the level of the physical body it is possible to work with them on the level of the energy body as well. Dr. Daniel Fenster provides evidence that over 90% of myofascial knots can be mapped onto accupuncture points and this is why accupuncture works so well. Accupuncture needles go deeper than the skin but not into muscle – into the fascia. This is where the meridians or nadis, river-like channels carrying chi or prana ‘vital life energy’ run. In yoga the energy body is called the prana-maya kosha ‘breath-filled sheath’ – it is associated with breath.
Whereas physiotherapists simply remove the knots some practitioners, such as Schleip, work with clients in a more holistic way that involves the use of breath and sound to release trauma that is held in the body. This makes complete sense because, if holding the breath played a role in the contraction causing the knots, then breathing out helps to undo them.
For much of my life I’ve existed in a constant sympathetic state in which I’ve been breathing in shallow into my chest exacerbarting panic and anxiety. For the past couple of years, since discovering yoga and polyvagal theory, I have been working to shift from a sympathetic to a parasympathetic state by slowing and deepening my breathing and extending my exhales. Trying to relax and breathe deeply in the gym, where I get overexcited if I’m doing well or tense up if I’m anxious about injury, is proving to be one of my biggest challenges.
As a shamanic practioner-in-training I am learning to feel and see blocked and congealed energies and to move them through vision, feel and breath. This new knowledge about how fascia relates to the energy body is something I intend to incorporate into my practice when healing myself and others.
One of the things I am learning from experience is that it’s no use doing energy work if I’m not also making changes in physical reality too. There’s no point removing congealed energy from the knot in my shoulder if I’m going to sit bent over my computer clicking on my mouse for several hours a day. Lifestyle changes to restructure my fascia for longevity.
SOURCES
Fenster, Daniel. Free Your Fascia: Relieve Pain, Boost Your Energy, Ease Anxiety and Depression, Lower Blood Pressure, and Melt Years Off Your Body with Fascia Therapy (Hay House, 2020)
Kusheva, Tatyana, ’Fascia – The Mysterious World Under Your Skin’ on Youtube, (Tatyana Kusheva, 2021)
Schelip, Robert, ‘The Bodywide Fascial Network’ on Youtube, (Inner Sense, 2021)
‘I have finally arrived. I am home.’
This insight came to me after I had been considering taking my monastic vows for the third time this year whilst looking ahead to lifelong vows next year. If I am to pledge to being a nun of Annwn for life what will this life look like?
When I founded the Monastery of Annwn at first I dreamt it might become a physical reality. I drew up an ambitious plan with a central temple, underground shrines, healing huts, an arts centre, circles of huts for the monastic devotees, a garden, compost loos, a burial ground…*. Shortly afterwards I realised living in, let alone running, such a large and busy place would be more Uffern ar y Ddaer ‘Hell on Earth’ than abiding close to Annwn for me.
Still, as I continued to follow as monastic-a-path as I could while living with my parents in suburban Penwortham, I spent a lot of time dreaming of alternatives for a physical monastery. What about a large house with land? What about beginning with a small house with 2 – 3 monastics sharing the space?
As my practice of being present and aware for Gwyn has progressed and I’ve got a lot better at watching and knowing myself as I undertake my daily activities I’ve come to realise that although I enjoy spending a limited amount of time holding sacred space for others I really appreciate having my morning and evening prayer and meditation times solely with my Gods and spirits.
Also, as I’m autistic and thrive on order and routine, in spite of my meditation practices helping me become more responsive and less reactive, I still get incredibly irritable and resentful if others make a mess or interrupt me. This is with my parents, who are relatively quiet and orderly. I dread to think of what I might be like with others with different personalities. I wouldn’t be prepared to change my diet or routine and thus couldn’t expect others to fit with mine. I’m also aware that my main trigger for autistic burnout and meltdowns is organising other people to do things and even worse doing things by committee.
So, finally, I have come to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to run or even be in a monastery. And this is fine because a few months ago I discovered the Carmelite model for lay monasticism and have since then been exploring how this suits me. Perfectly it turns out. I have a couple of hours in the morning and evening for prayer and meditation and the rest of my day is dedicated to shamanic work, studying, writing, housework, gardening and occasional conservation volunteering. I’m still ‘allowed’ to go to the gym.
I recently put forward the model of the monastery functioning as a support structure enabling us to serve our Gods as lay monastics bringing inspiration and wisdom from Annwn to the world, to the other members. Those who replied agreed it fits with them as most have family and work commitments.
Putting aside my hopes and fears around founding a physical monastery has allowed me to fully come home to my life as a lay nun in present-day Penwortham. It allows me to be happier and more present for Gwyn. And, most importantly, it pleases Gwyn too, because the more present I am in the world, the better I am at presencing Him and being of service to Him and my communities.
*https://lornasmithers.wordpress.com/2024/05/17/dreaming-the-monastery-of-annwn/
The Sanctuary of Vindos 