I Am Home

‘I have finally arrived. I am home.’

This insight came to me after I had been considering taking my monastic vows for the third time this year whilst looking ahead to lifelong vows next year. If I am to pledge to being a nun of Annwn for life what will this life look like?

When I founded the Monastery of Annwn at first I dreamt it might become a physical reality. I drew up an ambitious plan with a central temple, underground shrines, healing huts, an arts centre, circles of huts for the monastic devotees, a garden, compost loos, a burial ground…*. Shortly afterwards I realised living in, let alone running, such a large and busy place would be more Uffern ar y Ddaer ‘Hell on Earth’ than abiding close to Annwn for me.

Still, as I continued to follow as monastic-a-path as I could while living with my parents in suburban Penwortham, I spent a lot of time dreaming of alternatives for a physical monastery. What about a large house with land? What about beginning with a small house with 2 – 3 monastics sharing the space?

As my practice of being present and aware for Gwyn has progressed and I’ve got a lot better at watching and knowing myself as I undertake my daily activities I’ve come to realise that although I enjoy spending a limited amount of time holding sacred space for others I really appreciate having my morning and evening prayer and meditation times solely with my Gods and spirits.

Also, as I’m autistic and thrive on order and routine, in spite of my meditation practices helping me become more responsive and less reactive, I still get incredibly irritable and resentful if others make a mess or interrupt me. This is with my parents, who are relatively quiet and orderly. I dread to think of what I might be like with others with different personalities. I wouldn’t be prepared to change my diet or routine and thus couldn’t expect others to fit with mine. I’m also aware that my main trigger for autistic burnout and meltdowns is organising other people to do things and even worse doing things by committee.

So, finally, I have come to terms with the fact that I am not cut out to run or even be in a monastery. And this is fine because a few months ago I discovered the Carmelite model for lay monasticism and have since then been exploring how this suits me. Perfectly it turns out. I have a couple of hours in the morning and evening for prayer and meditation and the rest of my day is dedicated to shamanic work, studying, writing, housework, gardening and occasional conservation volunteering. I’m still ‘allowed’ to go to the gym.

I recently put forward the model of the monastery functioning as a support structure enabling us to serve our Gods as lay monastics bringing inspiration and wisdom from Annwn to the world, to the other members. Those who replied agreed it fits with them as most have family and work commitments.

Putting aside my hopes and fears around founding a physical monastery has allowed me to fully come home to my life as a lay nun in present-day Penwortham. It allows me to be happier and more present for Gwyn. And, most importantly, it pleases Gwyn too, because the more present I am in the world, the better I am at presencing Him and being of service to Him and my communities.