‘Gwyn ap Nudd who are far in the forests for the love of your mate allow us to come home.’
~ Speculum Christiani
Going away. Coming home. These two processes every spiritworker needs to master.
I was away for such a long part of my life, never fully in my body. Struggling with disassociation and derealisation stuck somewhere between the worlds.
Then Gwyn ap Nudd came into my life and taught me to journey to Annwn and, perhaps more importantly, how to come home. Since I met Him I have been striving to lead a life that combines the shamanic and ecstatic with being present in the here and now with the myriad beings on the land where I live.
With more difficulty, particularly since becoming a nun of Annwn, I’ve been getting to know myself a lot better – my body, my mind, my habits.
I thought that I was getting better. That I’d begun to become more aware of my cycles of driving myself too hard often when operating under some delusion such as that I’m going to become a recognised philosopher, poet, author… then realising I’m being unrealistic and burning out and dropping out.
I thought I’d cracked it but somehow similar delusions crept in around what I might be capable of as a nun of Annwn and aspiring shamanic practitioner. After my shamanic initiation and marriage to Gwyn I came back ecstatic with ambitions of running online discussions and shamanic journey circles and hit the ground with a bump when I came upon the same old barrier of lack of interest in the Brythonic tradition and was further derailed by the consequences of my mistake in reviewing a book by Galina Krasskova.
It’s taken me over two months to come back to myself, back to reality, to my limitations as an autistic person and introvert and to realise I would never have been able to hold space for group discussions or run shamanic journey circles due to my difficulties with reading and communicating with large groups and the huge drain upon my energy that these things take.
I’m fine one-to-one or with small groups of people I know and who I don’t need to mask with such as my fellow monastic devotees. But I’m not the warm smiley front-of-house meet-and-greet person who knows intuitively what each person needs and how to put them at ease fit for leading large groups.
Once again I’ve landed with a bump and a crash but as always I’ve had a wonderful God who is now my Husband to hold me through it. I’ve had the support of my mum, the land I live on, and members of the Monastery of Annwn.
I’ve finally come back home into a state of stillness and presence wherein I can stop beating myself up over my mistakes and accept who I am.
That being a nun is not about striving to be a celebrity (‘Sister Patience TM’) but leading a life of prayer and meditation centred on devotional relationship with the Gods and the land and the ancestors and journeying to Annwn to bring back inspiration and healing for one’s communities.
Accepting I am enough rather than trying to strive beyond.
Not easy. Not glamorous. But this is where and who I am. A suburban nun. At home in Penwortham with a wonderful God who dwells in my heart and countless deities and spirits and plants and creatures all around me. With Gwyn’s help I’m beginning to master the art of coming home.
The Sanctuary of Vindos 
We featured your website for our Facebook group members. It drew some appreciative comments:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/historyofpreston/posts/483608084255572/?cft%5B0%5D=AZVoFsGy5pfRFSJgEZDq6RjZJmAxsTXkRqXtOQ7Ljz2B6m4dqjHVzXh6o7zatRuIMBQoiG1hOdW61CUImskCO9JGIeWJ2y1LxabPA8aLGmkEfNOLq6O7NJiQ7F-eSTC8ScZM_AdMhb4v4tkJMEVat4UKKyhidMzRhNZuh3RN7SBBrzr1zoupNaxWxxcRfGBJJf9auwHF8iuhZvzJdDCF0OWEOTyJPisGgknaYGZT46GwCQ&tn=%2CO%2CP-R
Thank you. Much appreciated. I’m glad it has helped others find and connect with the lore of our local landscape.
You continue to honour your journey and that, as i have commented before is all that matters. We all tend to think we can do more and be more than we are emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually capable of doing and being. You are not alone in that. Continue on the path as it unfolds and honour your God and yourself in the process. There will always be detours, but they teach us more sometimes than the path we had plotted out ahead of time. Be gentle with yourself, Sister Patience.
Thank you 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I think we’re all under a lot of pressure to ‘achieve’ under terms that make no sense for us. That whole famous-or-nothing idea that undermines so much that we might meaningfully do.
Definitely. I find I’ve done much better when I ask my Gods whether I’ve done enough rather than attempting to meet the standards of society.
The mirror to recognising cycles of overwork is recognising cycles of rest. Some days I do little; other days are filled with activity. Sometimes I plan a busy day – even choosing clothes in the morning that are up to the tasks ahead – so I will have a rest day in my pocket when I’m done. Like preparing a packed lunch the night before, when I was still working. And it helps to look at the weather forecast; no use planning a day of outdoor activity when it’s going to be too hot, or raining (or both!)
Thanks for sharing. I definitely need to get better at planning rest!
“That being a nun is not about striving to be a celebrity (‘Sister Patience TM’) but leading a life of prayer and meditation….”
I think this has become a particularly common struggle now in the internet age where, even outside of religious circles, people are expected to create a “brand” for themselves, to craft an online persona, an image, an idea. It’s just particularly destructive in a spiritual context. This is something I’ve thought about and battled with a great deal over the years, and why I’ve been steadily taking steps away from having that kind of presence, including taking down my photos – I don’t want the focus to be on me, ultimately, but on the gods and the practices I am devoting my life to, and trying to help other people connect with. But it’s tricky, and there’s a lot of pressure to go in that direction, especially when you see so many ego-driven personalities have a lot of success in gaining followers. The easiest thing would be to go offline entirely, to dwell in the monk’s cell and not engage with any of it, but otherwise one has to be constantly vigilant against the temptations of that mindset. Which you are clearly doing – just because you occasionally falter, and correct yourself, is not any kind of failure but in fact a success of self-examination.
Thank you. I think at the heart of this there is a conflict and perhaps a creative tension between the devotional and mystical side of a religious path on the one hand and then the calling to give voice to it, to share, to hand something down to others which I feel is needed and valuable as there’s so little before us from practicing polytheists and we’re pioneering new paths. The challenge in this internet age is how to do so without falling into the traps of ego, branding, false persona etc. you mention. Not easy. But I do feel I’m slowly getting better at navigating these difficult waters.
Yes. The other thing to keep in mind is that this process is constantly changing, as we change and the landscape changes. I only recently came to the conclusion (will be discussing this soon on my blog) that I’m at a point in my path where it’s time to really step aside from any kind of public online engagement. I’ve spent nearly 25 years participating, and also sharing and creating things to be passed down, so now I feel like I can change focus. But that doesn’t mean I was in any way wrong to be doing what I was doing, you know? There are seasons for everything. Also the internet culture has shifted dramatically, so that’s part of it. Which is why we have to be constantly checking in, applying discernment, correcting course if necessary.